Missing Girl

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And all the people that you know
Will turn their heads as you go by
But you'll be hard to recognize
With the top down and the wind blowing, blowing

 You’re Not The Girl You Think You Are
- Neil Finn/Crowded House
from The Recurring Dream collection

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As I lay in bed last night, unable to sleep, one of those wee hours, substance-fueled (just caffeine, mind you) realizations hit me. It felt like a blow to the solar plexus, it knocked the wind out of me. I realized, bluntly, that I miss my old life. That life eight or so years ago, the years before the aggregate add-ons of marriage, kids, and general gravity had set in like barnacles.

I miss being single. I long for the driftless, purposeless, aimless ambling I used to be able to do. I did all that very well.

Eight years ago, I was living on my own, I had a job I was obsessed with and was very good at. I had a rowdy, amorphous set of friends that did nothing to keep me away from all sorts of mischief. I could go out with whomever I wanted, could stay up all hours, or not come home at all. For months. Each year I would go off on a two-week vacation, away from it all, without answering to anyone. Or not caring who asked. I plunged my face into warm seawater and did not come up, it seemed, for days. I lazed about in the sun and read trash ’til my brains were fried. I had no tan lines.

I drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney. I shaped clay with my hands. I wove baskets. I spent the better part of two weeks in a small town shouting out crisp directions to grown men with the aid of a megaphone. I helped maneuver a ten-wheeler truck out a shipyard in the midst of a union strike.

I turned my back to a boy, remorselessly. I wrote long, intimately unfolding letters, shamelessly. I said yes, often unexpectedly and even before being asked. I may have said no inappropriately, but I did not regret it. I have slept under the open sky, cold and alone, but not unhappy.

I was brash, sharp-witted, righteously indignant, tough as nails, quick to hate, but just as quick to love. I could hike over mountains, swim naked in the moonlight, wrap my slim legs around a man’s hips, absolutely. I could look God in the eye and grin.

I was the first to leave, sometimes the least to care. I could slam a car door and step out onto traffic, magnificently angry, and undeniably right.

I was fierce, I could flirt unmercifully and unequivocally, I was fearless.  Yes, I was all that and shades more, eight years ago. And I miss the girl that I once was.

Last night, the past crept into my bed in a cold hush, murmuring softly like a spurned lover, still hopeful.

This is in the life that I have now, I realize that and I own up to it. Certainly, I’m not knocking motherhood and the brief attempt at marriage. Or even the job that’s had me (dis)placed just so. It’s a life that, for the most part, I deliberately set out to define. I realize that it’s not ideal, but then neither is it undesired.

I just miss being someone else, is all.
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Comments

[the bee]

Hey Grace/Fire girl-woman! Thank you for your affirmation. I have been by your site this week, and you continue to be blessed, girl. Rock on.

And yes, the mom stereotype needs to be obliterated, I agree.

[Grace with Fire]

she's still there, maybe demanding to be paid attention to again this time.

where is it written that you can't be a mom and the woman you always are??? : )

i say break the mom-role stereotype, bring back the real Queen Bee!

[the bee, blushing]

{GRIN} hey Petite! Salamat for the uplifting words. Becoming--that's always a tricky thing, huh? I think the key is to keep a steady hold on your sense of self, and not to forget, never to forget.

Hey Chloe, cool blog. You seem familiar, hmm. In Cebu as well?

[Chloe]

But who said that girl is missing? She's just asleep inside you, waiting for a kiss to rouse her.

[petite]

my dear melissa the bee, your reminiscences and literary self-portrait of the girl-you-once-were just floored me.

i admire the 'missing girl' you describe in this blog. but i applaud even more the woman you now are - strong, courageous, and resilient in the face of the many and varied challenges that life threw at you one after the other.

i heartily agree with banzai cat. i'm also sure that the missing girl's fire and spirit is still alive in you, and that it will come out given the right situation and/or person. :-) that, tempered with a womanly grace that only comes with experience, is definitely an irristible combination! :-)

[melissa]

You winked, banzai! That can only mean good tidings, meowrrr. Mag dilang anghel ka sana. Woot!

[banzai cat]

... Wow.

Am amazed and envious bee girl that you've lived-- and are living a full life complete with your kids. Bravo for that. Moreover, I sincerely think that someone who's sucked the marrow out of life won't have any problems finding someone who will to please you for the rest of your lives together. ;-)

[isko]

Hi Meli,

I have been out of touch lately 9graduating this May), so missed a few of your blogs. This one is a definite favorite of mine. It is strong, poetic and profound..... so you.
Keep it coming !

[melissa]

I bet, KD!

[k.d.]

we had (have?) many things in common...

[the bee]

Psst Lee, di patama kumos sang tagipusuon basi maukot! Haha. Senti no? I bet ikaw man naghuna-huna man sang madalom sa imo mga nagliligad... in some of those times dunganay pa ta. I have memories that are entertwined with yours, I bet. Good times, di ba?

[the bee]

Hey Gigi: Your comment made me tear up (just a little!), yes motherhood is a strange thing, it transforms a person, like it or not. For the most part, I love being a mom, my boys make it very interesting. The responsibility is not something that you can just set aside though, and sometimes the other girl inside me longs for the mindless thrill of being unfettered and carefree. :)

Wasabi: yup that part of oneself that yells MEEEEE! sometimes gets a word in, edge-wise. Or a ton of words, hehe.

[lee]

daw ginakumos ang akon tagipusuon kag gina dumog ang akon huna huna. Ang paghanduraw sa mga nagligad nga mga inadlaw.... daw ara ko sa videoke sang mga libagon nga punga, sa baylihan nga nagatap-ok ang yab-ok samtang nagasakay sa trisikad nga pula. yeah

[wasabi1me]

Ooooooh! I sooo know what you mean. I just had the same conversation with a girlfriend. Miss being single and not being accountable for anything but me, all MEEEE!

[Gigi]

I may not know you personally but from what you've chosen to reveal, I can tell you're still that feisty, fierce, fearless female you were eight years ago (and even way further back, I suspect :)). The only difference, perhaps, is that you're far more loving -- because to love as a mother does can't be measured or equaled by any other kind of love.

But I know what you mean. :)